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"What IS
family, then?" The young man asked.
He's getting out
in less than a year, and we were talking about his plans for when he is
"out" and life no longer has the physical limits of being
"locked up".
Going home is
not the most attractive of his choices.
There, old ways, old relationships, and old expectations for how he is
to live and move ahead in life are all in play.
He's no longer a young teen, struggling with addictions and bad choices,
and the labels that comes with the mistake he made at a tender age, the mistake
that cost him his freedom. He's earned a fresh start, and be able to move ahead
without the baggage of prejudgment and assumptions. He's not who he was, and he's rightfully
proud of that accomplishment.
Yes, being
"inside" has given him many opportunities, and he had taken advantage
of them, growing into a smart, sensitive, and thoughtful young man. A young man I'd be proud to call a son and
live with me, become part of my family.
He's looking
ahead, and looking for options,
possibilities for a new life, moving ahead with his life and seeking his
dreams. At the core of that is being
part of family.
So what IS
family? Yes, the first, quick answer is
the biological answer: the family I was born into. Yet, family can be and probably should be so
much more.
Being a part of
a family is a choice, a conscious, deliberate choice. We can do that in many
ways.
When we marry,
we intentionally create a new family, blended or mixed from both spouses' biological families, or the families each partner is currently a part. We mix it up, sometimes adding kids and also
adding in-laws, and close friends from both sides of the marriage. New rules and new expectations emerge, along
with new dynamics.
New territory
and new challenges await us as we navigate these fresh and often turbulent
waters.
What is it that
this young man needs, what I need, in a family?
We made a list:
love, respect, a place in which to belong, be accepted, nurtured,
cherished. A place to grow as well as a
place that you come home to after a day out in the world, being challenged and
jostled. A place that takes you for who
you are. A place where there's a chair
and a table setting just for you at dinner.
"We each
need to make our own family," I said.
"And the definition needs to fit what we need, creating a place
where we grow to our full potential."
My young friend
has figured it out. He knows what a
family is, the family he needs and wants, a place where he will flourish. Like all of us, he just needs permission to
seek that out, and be good to himself, to find his very own family, creating
his own happiness.
And, yes, its OK
to want that, and its OK to make sure that having that good family is part of our
lives, helping every one of us at achieve our dreams and live a productive,
love filled life.
-- Neal Lemery 9/30/2016
