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Spirit came to me in many ways. When I was five years old, I would look up at the stars, just before the first light, the false dawn of the morning, I would see the Milky Way, the Big Dipper, and the ever constant Polaris. This was the center point, the place in the world that the axis of this planet moved around, every day.
The great constellations of the Zodiac rotated around the edges of the sky, telling me the seasons. And the Sun and the Moon had their roles, and danced through the days and the seasons, and the years.
The Big Dipper would rotate around Polaris, the great North Star, telling me the hour.
If I let my mind wander and imagine, other shapes and animals and gods would appear in my mind, in clusters and patterns of the stars in the dark sky.
Once in a while, a meteor would plunge close enough to this planet's atmosphere, and begin to glow. Quickly, it moved across my field of vision, in a brief instant, and then be gone. Did it plunge to earth? Did it burn up in the air? Or did I just imagine it, part of my wishful thinking of what I wanted to see as I gazed upward, outward.
Infinity was out there. Stars without number, even galaxies without number, true space without measure, without comprehension.
And, I would lie on the grass and gaze at the blue sky and white clouds, feeling connected, feeling content with who I was, part of the clouds and the sky and everything else in the world.
Rather than feel small and insignificant about all that, I felt a part of the glorious Greater of all of what I could see, what I could sense deep inside me. I was part of all of this. I am part of the Greater.
Deep inside of me, I felt a great Quietness. Yes, this is true, fundamentally, inherently, obviously true. There was order and sense, and logic. My heart and my reason agreed, and heard the same wisdom.
At five years old, I knew this to be true. And Spirit came to me, in many ways, and quietly, calmly agreed. Intuitively, inherently, this was True.
And, in that great calm of wondering why, the animals and the plants, and the rocks, dirt, trees, and water of this world were in agreement. Yes, this is the order of things, this is the Way. It is not complicated, it is not difficult or even mysterious. It simply Is. As a child, I was quite innocent of the ways of humans, and spent much of my time with the things in nature. And, I observed and experienced the things of nature in many ways. And, in all that, I felt this Divine Reassurance, this Acceptance of the Way of the Universe. And, in knowing this, deep down, in my very core, this gave me peace and a sense of my place in the Universe.
Other people have preached to me of their spirituality, and their religions, telling me their conclusion is that they are apart from God, disconnected. And, it is only through their faith and their theology that they can connect with God, and be united. In their belief, they are imperfect, flawed. They need to be redeemed, purified somehow of sins and flaws so deep that only the Divine compassion can cleanse them and make them whole again.
And, this can only occur when one has faith, and one has belief, and is, somehow, at a point in their internal sense of themselves, unworthy of the Divine. It is only by accepting their worthlessness, and their totally flawed personhood, that they can then have hope for redemption and forgiveness, and be united with God.
They are separate from God, incomplete, and unworthy of the Universe, unworthy of Divine Love. If one adds "faith" and kowtows to the will of God, then, perhaps, a person can become worthy of God's love. Such dispensation of "grace" puts the sinner at a disadvantage in this negotiation with God, an unequal bargaining at best.
This theology also holds as an essential tenet that God created a divine offspring, a son. And, this son was human and thus flawed, yet divine and all wise. And, the son needed to be tortured and die a horrible death before the son could be reunited with his father, who is God. And, in this act of suffering and torture, and death, then humankind, if they had faith in all of this, could be redeemed and forgiven of their sins against God, and become true children of God.
In all of this, there is an assumption that a person is removed and apart from God, and that the only means to be forgiven, reconnected, and purified of "sin" is by believing this theology, accepting it on faith alone, and to also believe this is the only path of salvation and redemption with God.
God has a plan for all of us, but you first must believe you are filled with sin, that this son of God was tortured and died for you, and if you beg for forgiveness and accept this theology, then and only then can you have a chance of being united with God and be one of the Chosen Ones. All others are doomed to remain lost and apart from God, and to end this life by going to hell, and burning forever. One's soul is thus lost and can never become united with God.
Much of this theology has created great bureaucracies of intermediaries, who interpret writings and tell their listeners what to believe, and how they are basically evil and dirty, and must go to the priests in order to find God. And, such priests are infallible and have the keys to the only correct way to connect with God.
The challenge for me in reading and studying such a theology is that within the scriptures of such faiths and religions, and in listening to the wisdom of some enlightened priests and students of the theology, are kernels of wisdom and Divine Love and Compassion. And, in my studies, I have learned much about how to live, about unconditional love, and being a part of God.
Yet, such theologies seem to demand a price to the kingdom of Heaven, and you can't just buy some of the package, you have to buy it all. Otherwise, you will still be filled with sin and you will never know God.
So, I don't "believe" and I don't "accept" the son of God as my key to salvation. In my community, I am outside of the fence, not even comfortable in the back row of the church, not part of the prayer circle. My heart and my head pull me away from such thinking, and such public displays.
Such is not my path, and I have no business walking there.
And, I look into the stars and the blackness of the Universe between the stars, and I look at a flower, and feel the kiss of a raindrop, and look at a sunset, and experience all the other wonders of life, and such a theology makes no sense to me.
I am part of the Universe, a child of the Universe. Inside of me burns an eternal flame, the flame of Spirit, of all of the Universe. My body contains atoms of the Universe, and I am energized and invigorated by the energies of the Universe, of Spirit, of the great order and structure of it All.
I only have to open my heart and listen, and feel, and touch and intuit in order to feel one with the Whole.
I do not need an intermediary nor do I need to read various revisions of ancient writings, massaged and managed by bureaucrats or politicians in priestly garb, or others who seek to hold the keys to Heaven in order to manipulate others and hold power over others.
Yes, I will study what others have written and sung and created in their art as to the essence of the Universe. But, I do not think that others, even if they claim to be divinely inspired, are the sole keepers of divine wisdom and correct theology.
I crave beauty and the essence of Spirit in my heart. I hunger to be connected, and to feel and experience the Love energy in this Universe. I have need of making sense of life and finding my purpose and my mission. I crave companionship and love and personal worth and spiritual contentment. We all do. Such needs and cravings are the core of our humanity.
Yet, I do not find the answers to my quests in the bibles and sacred writings of Religion. Those, in my experience, may be inspired by the Divine energy, in the beginning. But, they have been warped and rewritten by those seeking advantage over others, and altered according to the winds of popular sentiment, bigotry, exclusivity, power hunger, and greed. Such writings, and contemporary interpretations become hollow in my heart, empty of the Divine, and fatally infected with the disease of human politics.
Instead, I seek the guideposts and tools of those who have gone before me on the spiritual path, ways of opening my heart, of being in touch with the Divine, being able to recognize the Voice of Spirit inside of me, and to deeply connect my self with my own Divinity, my own God energy, that flame that burns bright deep inside of me.
My work on connecting with the Universe, with Spirit, begins and ends inside of me. What I seek is truly inside of me, is an essential part of me, and is, truly, the essence of me.
I do not need to go and find it in a church, a temple, or in a dusty book of what others may see as holy scripture. Such places dim my own Divine Light, and clutter my path.
I tend the Flame inside of me. And, I share that Light with all beings.
January 8, 2012.
